"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

A raven is a big black bird that crows and makes all sort of ruckus, steals grain and eats crops, watches lazily from the tops of poles and power lines; they are filthy, dirty birds and are often associated with dark and evil things. The crowing of a raven could be said to be a bad omen. A writing desk is often made of wood and is a place were one does sit with paper and pencils and ink and envelopes and all sorts of other bits of odds and ends and writes. They may write a letter, or a poem, or a book, a list of things to do; any sort of writing will do. So why is a raven like a writing desk? Well I suppose there could be any number of ways in which they resemble one  another. Perhaps your writing desk is black like a raven, or warn smooth form years of use and soft as the feathers of a raven. Perhaps it is a place were you sit and plot mischievous deeds, like a raven on a lamppost, or perhaps your desk is old and so when you lean down upon it it makes a loud creaking as shrill as a raven's cry. Really I suppose the answer is up to you.But then again, the answer is really not all that important after all. What really matters is that you took the time to ask the question. I suppose that's the really important part of life. Taking the time to ask the questions. And I don't just mean the simple ones like what times is or what shall I have for dinner, or where did a put my other sock. I mean the ones the really matter, the ones like, what can I do to help, are you ok, did I do my best, what is that, and what does that mean. And we mustn't forget the why's. We must never stop asking the questions, even, and especially, when we don't like the answers. So don't ever stop asking, because the moment we stop wondering about things and stop asking is the moment we stop growing, and the moment we stop growing is the moment we start shriveling and, well, there is really is no easy way to put it, but if you shrivel up, you'll die.

"Be quick, but dont hurry" Coach Wooden

A sort of serenity has settled upon me today. Each hour is like a dream as I float from moment to moment. I find myself lost in thought and time drifts lazily by. Of late my thoughts had been a critical evaluation of my past actions, continually asking over and over again if my actions were wrong, if I made a mistake, if, if, if....

Today their was a subtle shift from the past to the present and then to the future it was that they finally settled. I feel a tingling deep down in my bones, an itch that causes me to stir impatiently. To press forward and live in and for each moment as it happens. It is a simple action, which allowed this shift, that changed my thoughts from fevered worry to tranquil anticipation. I relearned the meaning of a favorite quote, "the world will turn aside to let any man pass who knows whither he is going." I have been wandering with no idea where I was going. Its not that I didn't have a plan, its that my plan was based on to many variables, what ifs, and waiting to see what another might do. I didn't know where I was going, its no wander their were so many stumbling blocks. And then I spent a few hours with Coach Wooden. And he helped me out.

Having a dream and making a goal are two entirely different things. Dreams are the things we play out in our heads when reality we want to escape. Dreams are like clouds, floating high in the sky but when we reach out to grab a handful, we grasp at wisps of nothing and are left with a cold wet hand. This is not to say that dreams are not lovely, or beautiful, or even necessary. For one must believe in dreams just as much one must believe in magic and fairies and happily ever afters. But there is no chance of reaching happily ever after if all one does is dream. A dream must be harnessed and honed and polished. Broken down into individual goals if it is ever to be achieved. Achieving one's goal, no matter the size, is the greatest achievement any can hope for.

So as you go out in the great wide world, a small bit of advice I would give...
          
 Dreaming is what we do in our beds snuggled in safe and warm.
 But when morning comes and wake we must the dreams must be taking one by one
 And planted down in neat little rows and water and loved and feed.
Work all day long while the sun is high and then our dreams will grow,
 Then reap a good harvest as the sun goes down and when it finally sets,
 Dreaming is what we must do in our beds, snuggled in safe and warm.

Good night dear ones.

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness" 2 Nephi 5:27

 I was looking through an old journal of mine and came across this entry from November 5, 2009.

2 Nephi 5:27 “And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness” I have never viewed being happy as a manner which we must live. But is does make perfect sense. Happiness is a personal choice and if we are not living for the purpose of being happy, then it makes perfect sense that we naturally will not be happy. Happy lives are lived in a manner of productivity, hard work, hard play, and striving to always keep the commandments and statues of God. It is essential that upon waking every morning we must kneel to the ground and begin our day in conversation with our Lord and God in which we at that moment make a covenant to be happy and have His spirit dwell within us all the day long. I believe that waking up is, at least for me, a tiresome and grumpy affair. If you suffer from this same disease of morning temper I would recommend waking up to the Lord. When we decide to be happy, we will find that mountains of sorrow will be easily shifted and rivers of tribulation will be effortlessly bridged. We must live our lives after the manner of happiness and then we will find a purpose and joy in life that will elevate and sustain us through the sorest trials. It is just so powerful. If we want to truly be happy we must live after the manner of happiness, live with the purpose of being happy, doing only those things which bring to us pure and true joy and love of God.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” –Walt Disney

One of my all time favorite movies is Disney's Meet the Robinsons. It always inspires me, no matter is going on in my life, that while the road made be tough, and the way dark and long, all we have to do is just keep moving forward and if we do with a steadfast and unmovable faith, life has a way of working out for the best. Lately I have been struggling. It seemed I lost control of my life and I was trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I as an individual am not in control, that things happen and that it's my reaction to those events that makes the difference. I was trying to take the advice of some very dear friends and let go of my need for control. And it was, to say the least, a very frustrating and difficult process. Until I realized something this morning and then it seemed the sun was finally ready to rise.

I do have control. That is the way I have always lived my life. Whatever I wanted to do, I did. If I wanted to raise a garden it happened. If I wanted to raise bunnies, I did. If I wanted to do a sport, get a job, you name it, if I wanted it, I went out and made it happen. I became so good at this process, that when I decided to run for student body president, everyone was so sure that I would get it that not one person in my high school dared to run against me. If Mary Vanderholm said she wanted something, it happened, because she was going to make it happen. And that is just the way I have always looked at life. It is not a matter of pride or power, it is just the outlook that I was given. That there was nothing in this world that I couldn't have if I was willing to work hard and go get it. It's not that I had much opportunity growing up, my family is not wealthy, we lived on a small farm in a dumpy community where my Dad worked as a teacher. But my parents never let that be an excuse for me not succeeding. That has always been my mindset, that anything can be achieved with enough effort.

So today when I woke up I decided I would stop reconciling myself to the fact that I have no control. Because I do. I have power over what happens. I don't just need to react to events as they unfold. I would much rather put all my effort into making events unfold in a manner that I want them to. I'm not crazy, I don't think I have the power  to change the weather or anything. But I can be a great influence for good in this world. So I think it's time the world got a taste of the old Mary, Regina George meet Molly Mormon. Get ready for change people cause I'm moving forward.

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

Cookie cutters. I used them all the time growing up. Baking sugar cookies with my mom, flour and dough on every surface and row after row of cooling men, stars, bells, angels, pumpkins, trees, even the occasional dinosaur. It is a staple in my house that whenever you were baking cookies, any broken or maimed ones would be eaten immediately, so as to spare them the suffering and humiliation, and the last batch would invariably be burned. Cookie cutters, such wonderful tools, but perhaps they represent something a little more sinister. I am referring to the cookie cutters of life, those model-based, mold pressed individuals fighting for space on an assembly line in a life that was made to order. Anyone who does fit the mold must be eaten immediately, so as to spare them the suffering and humiliation.

Life, however, was not made to order. And neither was I. My essence was not some forlorn ball of clay pressed into existence by a standard mold; I didn't come in a box. Though I do come with instructions, and there is much assembly required. Of that I have no doubt. However I would press the notion that the so called standard of society, those barbie dolls I played with growing up, are imperfect ideals of a reality that I pray will never truly exist. Sure we see a vague imitation of a perfect life, a perfected being, possessing all beauty and virtue. Its easy to see that, just look around. It can be discouraging. But remember there are two standards by which you can live. On one hand is man's standard. They will judge you on what you drive, where you work, how you talk, how you dress. But then they will go further. They will tell you your nose is to big, your eyes are too far apart, this one is to short, another to tall, one is too thin, the other too heavy. Trying to meet those standards you will find yourself poked and prodded, pushed and shoved inch by inch into the mold, the glint of cold steel flashes as the cookie cutter slams to the counters. The process is excruciating, but its alright, when you come out, you will be like everybody else.

Then there is the higher standard, that of God and Eternity. The one in which each ball of clay is carefully crafted by the loving and gentle hands of the Master into a perfect, unique being. No, I was not pressed into shape by a staple, mass-produced, cookie cutter press. No, I am genuine, one of a kind and if that's not acceptable to some, well they had better just readjust their vision. Because this is me, and I am perfect just the way I am. We have been blessed. We each have so much to give to the world, we each have a voice and a purpose. You don't need to fit in, you just need to be you. After all, "you are only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it!"

"For now you walk the line."

Fear, second only to love, is perhaps the most powerful force of action. It drives so often what we do and what we say. Fear for the future, fear for our loved ones, fear of the unknown. It feeds on us, a parasite that with each day weakens our ability to love and laugh. One of my favorite quotes reads, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious to not live at all. For now you walk the line between who you think you are, and who you can be." These lines have been running through my mind these past few weeks. It seems I cannot escape them. There is much to fear in the world. But those things that cause me to quake, the nightmares of the blackest kind that haunt my heart on even the brightest of days, those hideous and ugly truths of the world, they are not going anywhere. My fear I will not escape, but conquer it, now that I can do.

Our Savior spoke to us and said, "In this world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." Certainly there are numerous things which are more important than fear. My mind does not need to venture into uncharted waters in order to think of many at this very moment. But it is not at a peaceful and safe moment such as this that I must battle against my fears. It is in the heart of the storm that they escape my mind and I am felt at the mercy of the winds. Every day and at every moment we must ask ourselves what is that thing that is more important than our fear. We must always keep that answer locked tight within our hearts. So that rather then let ourselves fear for the future, we find ourselves living for it. So that we do not fear for our loved one, but we live for our loved ones, and so we do not let our fear of the unknown stand in our way, but that we may go forth courageously into the unknown.

"For now you walk the line between who think you are and who you can be." Oftentimes the hardest place to look is in the mirror. To often I hide behind you I think I am and wave away those thoughts of who I can be. To truly know oneself is powerful. Yet now this, there is a divine potential in each and every one of us. It's time to stop running in fear and make a stand for myself, for who I can be. This stand I must make alone, for if I am unable to stand alone, why should anyone bother to stand with me. It is a decision one must make for themselves. So its left to me, for me to see who exactly I can be.

"What right have I to greive, who have not ceased to wonder?"--Henry David Thoreau

At times I feel a sadness, deep and penetrating, settle upon my heart and there it sits, casting a shadow over me. It is at these times that I have ceased to wonder. The beauty and joy of life having been forgotten, I let myself fall into despair. I have ceased to wonder. There is so much hate and anger in the world, so much death and destruction, so much sadness it is tempting to cover our eyes and hide away from it all. To shut out the ugly truths of humanities fall. But before we do this, let me relate to you a story....I remember standing on my back porch early one winters morning. The sun had not yet truly risen and all was still a dream. Everything was silent and still. I stood there looking out at the icy scene, the blizzard had passed, leaving the forest coated in a thick layer of white snow. All was silent, then in a moment a crack would shatter the world like the sound of a gun. Then silence before it came again. Over and over this phenomenon repeated itself. The sound was of the trees, deep in forest, exploding as the sap within them froze and expanded to the point where the tree could not stand it. It was the tragedy that seemed to break the symmetry of the moment, yet it belonged more to that moment than anything else. As I stood on that porch I witnessed the most glorious sunrise, the beauty of which can only be described as breathtaking. A sight that would have otherwise been missed; if not for the destruction of the trees I would have remained snugly in my bed.

There is much chaos in this world, but without that chaos it would be very difficult, almost impossible to see the beauty and peace that exist alongside it. One must never cease to wonder, for while there is so much bad, there is just as much good that is worth enduring all the heartache and pain and loneliness. We in life are battered and beaten, broken and forced to our knees, and then there is a moment. A brief second in the eternities when the wind calms and the rains cease. The skies clear and we get a view of the sunshine. It is those brief moments of tranquility that we must live for, even fight for. It pulls us through the long dark of winter in hopes that when the sun shines again, it will shine all the brighter and all the clearer. Never cease to wonder; the world is far to big a place to think that we have seen it all, felt it all. Never cease to wonder, but go out into the world with your head high, looking forever forward and upward finding the moments of beauty among the jumbled, tangled mess!