"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."


Emily Dickinson

There are two words which when spoken together with conviction and honesty breathe a spark of magick into life. Together they have the ability to change people, to change ideals, to change understanding, to change the world. They are the words 'I believe.' These are the two most powerful words a person can speak, whether they come as the whisper of a child or the crackled voice of one wrinkled with age, and every walk in between, they are full of hope and faith not only for the future, but for the present. This is where the magick of those two words is found. For belief is not for tomorrow, but for today, the belief that a change can be made in this moment. Not in some far distant future will things be better. But that today we believe and that belief makes all the difference. It not a conviction for the future, but a decision to act today.

But sometimes its hard to believe, just like sometimes its hard to run. Sometimes we loose our happy thoughts and forget how to fly. But happiness always has a way of finding us again. She is never gone for long, we just have to remember to leave the back door unlocked so that she can come in. And never scold her for being late. For she will just reply that you were early. So if your waiting for her, I would suggest you keep a weathered eye on the horizon, she's there. First star to the right and straight on til morning. All it takes is faith, trust, and pixie dust, and two little words "I believe."

“We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.” – T. S. Eliot

I need inspiration. And its everywhere. Its in the sun, the moon, the stars. When you are going through a disaster, life is hard. You are consumed in the tumult going on all around you. But for me the worst part is when it's over. And the world is finally quite and everything stops moving, but my mind is still racing in circles. It's terrible enough to suffer trials, but when they are over and you stand alone looking at the carnage and destruction in your life and realize that now you must work to rebuild everything, that is the overwhelming feeling of finally sinking beneath the waves that you have been fighting against since day one. This is not to say that we sink forever, but at least for a moment we give in. We rest and we think and we wallow. And then when we have slept in the darkness and known our enemy, we are able to pick ourselves and go to work. The down time is essential I think. It's not something we often talking about. But its something we all do. Night comes just like day. But it's like were all afraid to talk about the night. Like it something shameful and we have to hide. But its not. If we live in the night, if we embrace it, revel in it even, that is when we for the first time really feel the sun when it rises. I have experiences in the past year that have taught me about shame. The shame that comes when we try to hide our nights. If we are ashamed of the night, then we will never overcome it. But a friend, a brother, spoke to me and suddenly it was clear. "Tomorrow we fight," he said, "But for tonight live in it. Let your mind be consumed in your grief, learn it, study it, know your enemy and then tomorrow we fight." The battle against our personal vices is not a civil war as I had previously thought. There is an enemy, and yes he does have outposts in our heads.

I found my inspiration, the same that has inspired me these many years, that "even the youth shall faint and be weary and the young men shall utterly fail. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not be faint."

"Pick a star on the dark horizon, and follow the light."

When one thinks to begins a journey, generally one set a course that they will stick to, a fairly straightforward and well mapped course. However, this is not the only way to travel. And perhaps life is not so much of a journey, as it is a quest. You see there is a rather larger difference between a journey and a quest. A journey is something you embark on, the main reason being to get from a certain place to another. But a quest, a noble quest, that is so much more. It is not only about where you are going, but what you pick up along the way. For in a quest, when you arrive, if you have not gathered and learned and done all you could to prepare for what was at the end, then the trip is pointless, because when you get there, you will find that you have lost.

To paraphrase the great adventurer Bilbo Baggins, "step out your door and move your feet, or theres no telling where you might be swept off to." Does anyone else love to read books of great adventures in distant lands and find themselves for sometimes days and months dreaming of being there and having your own great adventure. I do. But then I remember that life is the most spectacular adventure there is. We are on a quest, an adventure. Never forget that. It is the greatest adventure of all, and if your missing it, shame on you. There is much we must pick up along the way. There are lessons that we each need to learn. There are so many different routes to take, so many different courses of action to pursue. They are numerous as the stars and they all lead to the same place. So pick a star on the dark horizon, and follow the light. And when you arrive at the source of that light and look Him in the face, be sure that you have all you need. It takes a lot to finish this quest. Much more challenging than it was for Frodo to throw away the ring, or for Harry to kill Voldemort, for Edmund to defeat the White Witch, harder than saving Fablehaven, than getting Artemis to truly change his ways, for Wendy to say good bye to Peter Pan. But it is more than possible. We have all we need. We are the divine children of God, taken at birth to be raised in a distant land, far away from our kingdom where we are subject to pain and trials and suffering and death. But we have found who we really are. And now we are on a quest to return home. It is a difficult road, but it is a good road. Its like Samwise said, "Its like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really matter. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't wan to know the end because how could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened. But in the end it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass, a new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out all the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you, that meant something. Even if you were to young to understand. But I think Mr. Frodo, now I do understand. I know that folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't They kept going, because they were holding on to something. There's some good in this world and its worth fighting for."

We're in one such story. How incredible. What will your part be? Remember, extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people, are you doing the little extra? Do it for Narnia, and for Aslan.

"Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes." Confucius

Mistakes are common place enough. I personally try to make at least 12 a day. Without them, I would be such a boring person. Stuck in a rut, an old rut with nothing knew ever crossing my path. Life could be one straight course. But where is the fun in that? Mistakes are those sudden gust of wind that knock us off our feet, blow us away from the path; the detours and pit stops and wrong directions that make a trip memorable. I remember my favorite road trip was when I was 17 years old and my family was driving 4 hours to a job interview for my Dad. We thought it would be a fun little day trip, an adventure to a new town. Well, it was an adventure. That much is for sure. We were ready to go, but our old red suburban had different plans in mind. Apparently that was the day when the thermostat decided it had had just about enough. It took us nearly 5 hours to get there, stopping every so often to let the engine cool. When we arrived we had a good afternoon playing and picnicing while Dad was in his interview. No one was especailly happy at the circumstances that brought us to that place, we had all grown up in our hometown, we loved it, I was about to start my senior year at the school I had attended since first grade. But still, the thought of a fresh start had a certain appeal, a foreign and new aroma that excited the senses and imagination. I was intrigued. Then we began the journey home. The longest car ride of my life, metaphorically speaking. We stopped every 20 min to let the engine cool. It was a hot sticky drive, the circumstances were miserable. Anyone who had driven that stretch of highway between Davenport and Waterville nows how long and boring that straight stretch of highway is, with nothing but desert and fields as far as the eye can see. But despite the circumstances, it was the most fun. We sang and laughed and cried and whined the whole trip together as a family. We were so happy despite what was going on. I know my parents were very grateful for their kids that day. They were stressed, their car was breaking, they were trying to figure out what was best for our family. And I know that the greatest gift we as their children can give them, we gave them that day. We were happy.

Mistakes happen all the time. Never try to cover them up. Don't make excuses. All you are doing is avoiding the inevitable. It is far better to admit mistake then to cover it up. That only makes it a crime. I acknowledge my faults, my weaknesses, I make so many mistakes. But I also find myself apologizing and worrying, and trying to fix things a lot. So in this way, I am not worried about my mistakes. I know they come. That is how I learn, and sure maybe it takes me making the same mistake over and over, but I will learn. And until then I will just continue to apologize to those who are affected by my mistakes. And I will gladly forgive the mistakes of others. We are all together in this life, and we all make mistakes. I have made to many. But "our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do." There is one friend in particular who I feel has been affected by my mistakes. I would like to say I'm sorry. This friend has always been very accepting of my mistakes, and has let me learn and grow through them. I think of that friend as I write this, and I pray they can forgive me.

The bell tolls for thee...

It was not until I took a class on Augustinain philosophy that I learned the message behind this much used phrase, and understanding the implications of it has taken even longer. "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, the bell tolls for thee..." When one died it was tradition that the church bells would herald the news of the death throughout the town. During the plague the ringing of the bells became far to common place and their constant pounding echoed always. But the writer implores us not to ask for whom those bells were ringing, it is a silly question, they are ringing for you, and me. They cry out in despair for humanity, when one is lost, don't we all lose a little something? Are we not all part of the same race, fighting for the same thing, are we not all children of the same God? So when the bell tolls for one, it tolls for each and every one.

I hang my head in despair at times when I see the condition of humanity. I feel we have in some ways sunk lower than the original audience of those lines. At least they thought to ask for you the bell was tolling. Do we even pay that much attention? Do we truly notice the suffering around us? Sure we now of the great calamities, the devastation that runs rampant all around, but that is not what I am talking of. I speak of the bells sounding in our communities, in our classrooms, our very homes. Can we hear the ringing of the bells? Do we notice the needs of  those we are closest to? They are often the easiest to ignore, they will willingly forgive us our faults if we are not kind to them. Strangers, now they would not understand so gracious and courteous must we be. But those we are closest to, we know them well enough that we may be completely honest, that we can hurt their feelings, ignore their needs.

But when we hurt another, when we ignore another's suffering, when we are guilty of not knowing who we can serve, who we can lift, then we are ignorant of life. We have hidden our faces. But silly fools we are, for no matter if we ask or not for the whom the bell tolls, each and every time it rings it rings for you and me.

I can't know where you have been or where you are going. I don't know what you feel and I can never know what I would have done in your shoes. All I can know is who you are now and what you stand for. I know sometimes what's in our hearts gets lost on the way out. But to truly love someone is to love all of them, even the parts you don't like, even their sins, their shortcomings, their faults. Every part of them, even the parts you can't stand. But its not despite their flaws the you love them, rather its because of their flaws, the way that they complete that person, the total acceptance that you give them  and which you receive in return. This is the only way to change a heart, to shed light and hope on even the blackest of circumstances.

I wish I could remember why I chose to come to this earth. I wish I knew what that critical decision was, what I was thinking in that moment in which I decided to stand for what was right. What was going through my mind? Was I scared, or was I brave? Who did I lose that day? I wish I could remember my Savior and how he stood at that day and fought for my agency, for my chance to live. Did someone dear to me stand across the line? Was there anger or sadness written on their face? Who did I lose in that great battle, the eternal sadness that fills me at times when it seems there is nothing wrong. It was a very dear friends, I know I did not want to leave them, but I knew what was right. I wonder how well I knew Lucifer. Did I perhaps at one time look up to him, see the reason in his plan? What or who was it that influence me on that day to make the decision to follow my Father?

Now that I am here on Earth and the veil is before my eyes I wonder who, if it were removed, I would recognize. This life is meant to be a trial so for the most part Heavenly Father I believe has placed us with those we probably were not close with. But then there are those moments when life is toughest, when the world presses down upon us, and we question our decision that day to stand by the Savior that the sends us someone special. Someone who was a dear friend. The one perhaps who stood beside us as we fought in Heaven, who held our hands when the final stroke fell and Lucifer was cast out, who hugged me as I cried over those that i had loved who were now lost forever. The one who I stood close to and who calmed my fears as we prepared to leave our eternal home to go to a strange and foreign place where we would hurt and be challenged and have to suffer pain and affliction and trials. What did we say to each other at that day? Deep in my heart I feel the echo of a promise, a promise that we would meet again. That we would find each other on this earth, and no matter what the cost do everything in our power to get each other safely home where we would dwell with God always. I feel when I face critical moments in my life that is when I find those friends. We are brought together to support each other, just as the Angel comforted the Savior in the garden. I know this deep in my heart where the voices of eternity echo in my soul, "You are not alone dear child, you are not alone."

I can't think straight right now. I'm so frustrated and annoyed. I'm just flustered. And that is no way to go to bed. But I just don't understand people. I don't usually vent, but tonight I need to. I wish that things were perfect. I wish that the people I love would make the right decisions. I wish everyone was happy. I know its not realistic, but I still wish it. I wish that my best was good enough. What kills me most is when it's not. I hate that I live by my emotions. They are always right there on my sleeve. I can't hide them. Every little thing pricks my heart so deeply.  I hate it. And those wounds are so slow to heal. I have always been slow at healing which is precisely why I guard my feelings with the utmost protection. So then it hurts even worse when I trust someone only to have them disappoint. This is frustrating to me. I do not understand it. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the ones I love. Sacrificing for their good is the most natural thing in the world. But why is this so rarely reciprocated. Why do I feel so very alone in a deep, dark ocean. Why am I so sad in my heart and sick in my soul. My mind knows the answer, the atonement can provide the healing and the happiness. But what do you do when you know what you are supposed to do, but you don't want to. Its not that I seek out sin. Its discouragement that plagues me. Taking care of others is easy, taking care of myself I feel is not worth the effort. 

Written at the front of my scriptures is a quote from Gordon B Hinckley. It was scrawled in several years ago."Let faith replace our fear." That is what I must do. But the irony is I am to afraid to do it.  

The Sun

The sun was shining in the sky
When suddenly a gust of wind,
knocked it out and down it fell,
And landed with a great big crash,
Right in my backyard.

And the sky it turned so very dark,
And the world got very cold.
And all the children stopped their play,
And the birds wouldn't sing,
And the flowers wouldn't grow.
And my head sunk very low.

Then a little birdie came to me,
And whispered in my ear,
"Sweet child you have nothing to fear!
We'll fix the sun and make it shine,
Just as bright as new."

And so we pushed and pulled and tugged.
And nailed and hammered and sawed and cut.
And strained with all our might and main.
And when we looked back after all we'de done,
Shining bright was a brand new sun.

And all the shadows crept quickly away,
And all the children started to play.
And the birds sang and flowers grew.
And the sky was bright, and clear, and blue!

The Power of One

I don't know why but that was stuck in my head today. It just kept coming back to me. I was thinking about the great change that can be brought about by a single person. Like how the tiniest droplet of water can be the beginning of a thousand of ripples, or the smallest speck can tip a scale either way. No action done, no matter how small is ever insignificant. Our lives are made up of thousands of little details, seemingly insignificant decisions, and little acts of kindness, cruelty, chance, change, envy, gratitude, and so on. It is the culmination of all these things we do in the day to day that make up who we are. Its funny how it seems that when we just focus on the smaller details, all the bigger ones just seem to work themselves out.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

A raven is a big black bird that crows and makes all sort of ruckus, steals grain and eats crops, watches lazily from the tops of poles and power lines; they are filthy, dirty birds and are often associated with dark and evil things. The crowing of a raven could be said to be a bad omen. A writing desk is often made of wood and is a place were one does sit with paper and pencils and ink and envelopes and all sorts of other bits of odds and ends and writes. They may write a letter, or a poem, or a book, a list of things to do; any sort of writing will do. So why is a raven like a writing desk? Well I suppose there could be any number of ways in which they resemble one  another. Perhaps your writing desk is black like a raven, or warn smooth form years of use and soft as the feathers of a raven. Perhaps it is a place were you sit and plot mischievous deeds, like a raven on a lamppost, or perhaps your desk is old and so when you lean down upon it it makes a loud creaking as shrill as a raven's cry. Really I suppose the answer is up to you.But then again, the answer is really not all that important after all. What really matters is that you took the time to ask the question. I suppose that's the really important part of life. Taking the time to ask the questions. And I don't just mean the simple ones like what times is or what shall I have for dinner, or where did a put my other sock. I mean the ones the really matter, the ones like, what can I do to help, are you ok, did I do my best, what is that, and what does that mean. And we mustn't forget the why's. We must never stop asking the questions, even, and especially, when we don't like the answers. So don't ever stop asking, because the moment we stop wondering about things and stop asking is the moment we stop growing, and the moment we stop growing is the moment we start shriveling and, well, there is really is no easy way to put it, but if you shrivel up, you'll die.

"Be quick, but dont hurry" Coach Wooden

A sort of serenity has settled upon me today. Each hour is like a dream as I float from moment to moment. I find myself lost in thought and time drifts lazily by. Of late my thoughts had been a critical evaluation of my past actions, continually asking over and over again if my actions were wrong, if I made a mistake, if, if, if....

Today their was a subtle shift from the past to the present and then to the future it was that they finally settled. I feel a tingling deep down in my bones, an itch that causes me to stir impatiently. To press forward and live in and for each moment as it happens. It is a simple action, which allowed this shift, that changed my thoughts from fevered worry to tranquil anticipation. I relearned the meaning of a favorite quote, "the world will turn aside to let any man pass who knows whither he is going." I have been wandering with no idea where I was going. Its not that I didn't have a plan, its that my plan was based on to many variables, what ifs, and waiting to see what another might do. I didn't know where I was going, its no wander their were so many stumbling blocks. And then I spent a few hours with Coach Wooden. And he helped me out.

Having a dream and making a goal are two entirely different things. Dreams are the things we play out in our heads when reality we want to escape. Dreams are like clouds, floating high in the sky but when we reach out to grab a handful, we grasp at wisps of nothing and are left with a cold wet hand. This is not to say that dreams are not lovely, or beautiful, or even necessary. For one must believe in dreams just as much one must believe in magic and fairies and happily ever afters. But there is no chance of reaching happily ever after if all one does is dream. A dream must be harnessed and honed and polished. Broken down into individual goals if it is ever to be achieved. Achieving one's goal, no matter the size, is the greatest achievement any can hope for.

So as you go out in the great wide world, a small bit of advice I would give...
          
 Dreaming is what we do in our beds snuggled in safe and warm.
 But when morning comes and wake we must the dreams must be taking one by one
 And planted down in neat little rows and water and loved and feed.
Work all day long while the sun is high and then our dreams will grow,
 Then reap a good harvest as the sun goes down and when it finally sets,
 Dreaming is what we must do in our beds, snuggled in safe and warm.

Good night dear ones.

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness" 2 Nephi 5:27

 I was looking through an old journal of mine and came across this entry from November 5, 2009.

2 Nephi 5:27 “And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness” I have never viewed being happy as a manner which we must live. But is does make perfect sense. Happiness is a personal choice and if we are not living for the purpose of being happy, then it makes perfect sense that we naturally will not be happy. Happy lives are lived in a manner of productivity, hard work, hard play, and striving to always keep the commandments and statues of God. It is essential that upon waking every morning we must kneel to the ground and begin our day in conversation with our Lord and God in which we at that moment make a covenant to be happy and have His spirit dwell within us all the day long. I believe that waking up is, at least for me, a tiresome and grumpy affair. If you suffer from this same disease of morning temper I would recommend waking up to the Lord. When we decide to be happy, we will find that mountains of sorrow will be easily shifted and rivers of tribulation will be effortlessly bridged. We must live our lives after the manner of happiness and then we will find a purpose and joy in life that will elevate and sustain us through the sorest trials. It is just so powerful. If we want to truly be happy we must live after the manner of happiness, live with the purpose of being happy, doing only those things which bring to us pure and true joy and love of God.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” –Walt Disney

One of my all time favorite movies is Disney's Meet the Robinsons. It always inspires me, no matter is going on in my life, that while the road made be tough, and the way dark and long, all we have to do is just keep moving forward and if we do with a steadfast and unmovable faith, life has a way of working out for the best. Lately I have been struggling. It seemed I lost control of my life and I was trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I as an individual am not in control, that things happen and that it's my reaction to those events that makes the difference. I was trying to take the advice of some very dear friends and let go of my need for control. And it was, to say the least, a very frustrating and difficult process. Until I realized something this morning and then it seemed the sun was finally ready to rise.

I do have control. That is the way I have always lived my life. Whatever I wanted to do, I did. If I wanted to raise a garden it happened. If I wanted to raise bunnies, I did. If I wanted to do a sport, get a job, you name it, if I wanted it, I went out and made it happen. I became so good at this process, that when I decided to run for student body president, everyone was so sure that I would get it that not one person in my high school dared to run against me. If Mary Vanderholm said she wanted something, it happened, because she was going to make it happen. And that is just the way I have always looked at life. It is not a matter of pride or power, it is just the outlook that I was given. That there was nothing in this world that I couldn't have if I was willing to work hard and go get it. It's not that I had much opportunity growing up, my family is not wealthy, we lived on a small farm in a dumpy community where my Dad worked as a teacher. But my parents never let that be an excuse for me not succeeding. That has always been my mindset, that anything can be achieved with enough effort.

So today when I woke up I decided I would stop reconciling myself to the fact that I have no control. Because I do. I have power over what happens. I don't just need to react to events as they unfold. I would much rather put all my effort into making events unfold in a manner that I want them to. I'm not crazy, I don't think I have the power  to change the weather or anything. But I can be a great influence for good in this world. So I think it's time the world got a taste of the old Mary, Regina George meet Molly Mormon. Get ready for change people cause I'm moving forward.

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

Cookie cutters. I used them all the time growing up. Baking sugar cookies with my mom, flour and dough on every surface and row after row of cooling men, stars, bells, angels, pumpkins, trees, even the occasional dinosaur. It is a staple in my house that whenever you were baking cookies, any broken or maimed ones would be eaten immediately, so as to spare them the suffering and humiliation, and the last batch would invariably be burned. Cookie cutters, such wonderful tools, but perhaps they represent something a little more sinister. I am referring to the cookie cutters of life, those model-based, mold pressed individuals fighting for space on an assembly line in a life that was made to order. Anyone who does fit the mold must be eaten immediately, so as to spare them the suffering and humiliation.

Life, however, was not made to order. And neither was I. My essence was not some forlorn ball of clay pressed into existence by a standard mold; I didn't come in a box. Though I do come with instructions, and there is much assembly required. Of that I have no doubt. However I would press the notion that the so called standard of society, those barbie dolls I played with growing up, are imperfect ideals of a reality that I pray will never truly exist. Sure we see a vague imitation of a perfect life, a perfected being, possessing all beauty and virtue. Its easy to see that, just look around. It can be discouraging. But remember there are two standards by which you can live. On one hand is man's standard. They will judge you on what you drive, where you work, how you talk, how you dress. But then they will go further. They will tell you your nose is to big, your eyes are too far apart, this one is to short, another to tall, one is too thin, the other too heavy. Trying to meet those standards you will find yourself poked and prodded, pushed and shoved inch by inch into the mold, the glint of cold steel flashes as the cookie cutter slams to the counters. The process is excruciating, but its alright, when you come out, you will be like everybody else.

Then there is the higher standard, that of God and Eternity. The one in which each ball of clay is carefully crafted by the loving and gentle hands of the Master into a perfect, unique being. No, I was not pressed into shape by a staple, mass-produced, cookie cutter press. No, I am genuine, one of a kind and if that's not acceptable to some, well they had better just readjust their vision. Because this is me, and I am perfect just the way I am. We have been blessed. We each have so much to give to the world, we each have a voice and a purpose. You don't need to fit in, you just need to be you. After all, "you are only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it!"

"For now you walk the line."

Fear, second only to love, is perhaps the most powerful force of action. It drives so often what we do and what we say. Fear for the future, fear for our loved ones, fear of the unknown. It feeds on us, a parasite that with each day weakens our ability to love and laugh. One of my favorite quotes reads, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious to not live at all. For now you walk the line between who you think you are, and who you can be." These lines have been running through my mind these past few weeks. It seems I cannot escape them. There is much to fear in the world. But those things that cause me to quake, the nightmares of the blackest kind that haunt my heart on even the brightest of days, those hideous and ugly truths of the world, they are not going anywhere. My fear I will not escape, but conquer it, now that I can do.

Our Savior spoke to us and said, "In this world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." Certainly there are numerous things which are more important than fear. My mind does not need to venture into uncharted waters in order to think of many at this very moment. But it is not at a peaceful and safe moment such as this that I must battle against my fears. It is in the heart of the storm that they escape my mind and I am felt at the mercy of the winds. Every day and at every moment we must ask ourselves what is that thing that is more important than our fear. We must always keep that answer locked tight within our hearts. So that rather then let ourselves fear for the future, we find ourselves living for it. So that we do not fear for our loved one, but we live for our loved ones, and so we do not let our fear of the unknown stand in our way, but that we may go forth courageously into the unknown.

"For now you walk the line between who think you are and who you can be." Oftentimes the hardest place to look is in the mirror. To often I hide behind you I think I am and wave away those thoughts of who I can be. To truly know oneself is powerful. Yet now this, there is a divine potential in each and every one of us. It's time to stop running in fear and make a stand for myself, for who I can be. This stand I must make alone, for if I am unable to stand alone, why should anyone bother to stand with me. It is a decision one must make for themselves. So its left to me, for me to see who exactly I can be.

"What right have I to greive, who have not ceased to wonder?"--Henry David Thoreau

At times I feel a sadness, deep and penetrating, settle upon my heart and there it sits, casting a shadow over me. It is at these times that I have ceased to wonder. The beauty and joy of life having been forgotten, I let myself fall into despair. I have ceased to wonder. There is so much hate and anger in the world, so much death and destruction, so much sadness it is tempting to cover our eyes and hide away from it all. To shut out the ugly truths of humanities fall. But before we do this, let me relate to you a story....I remember standing on my back porch early one winters morning. The sun had not yet truly risen and all was still a dream. Everything was silent and still. I stood there looking out at the icy scene, the blizzard had passed, leaving the forest coated in a thick layer of white snow. All was silent, then in a moment a crack would shatter the world like the sound of a gun. Then silence before it came again. Over and over this phenomenon repeated itself. The sound was of the trees, deep in forest, exploding as the sap within them froze and expanded to the point where the tree could not stand it. It was the tragedy that seemed to break the symmetry of the moment, yet it belonged more to that moment than anything else. As I stood on that porch I witnessed the most glorious sunrise, the beauty of which can only be described as breathtaking. A sight that would have otherwise been missed; if not for the destruction of the trees I would have remained snugly in my bed.

There is much chaos in this world, but without that chaos it would be very difficult, almost impossible to see the beauty and peace that exist alongside it. One must never cease to wonder, for while there is so much bad, there is just as much good that is worth enduring all the heartache and pain and loneliness. We in life are battered and beaten, broken and forced to our knees, and then there is a moment. A brief second in the eternities when the wind calms and the rains cease. The skies clear and we get a view of the sunshine. It is those brief moments of tranquility that we must live for, even fight for. It pulls us through the long dark of winter in hopes that when the sun shines again, it will shine all the brighter and all the clearer. Never cease to wonder; the world is far to big a place to think that we have seen it all, felt it all. Never cease to wonder, but go out into the world with your head high, looking forever forward and upward finding the moments of beauty among the jumbled, tangled mess!