I can't think straight right now. I'm so frustrated and annoyed. I'm just flustered. And that is no way to go to bed. But I just don't understand people. I don't usually vent, but tonight I need to. I wish that things were perfect. I wish that the people I love would make the right decisions. I wish everyone was happy. I know its not realistic, but I still wish it. I wish that my best was good enough. What kills me most is when it's not. I hate that I live by my emotions. They are always right there on my sleeve. I can't hide them. Every little thing pricks my heart so deeply.  I hate it. And those wounds are so slow to heal. I have always been slow at healing which is precisely why I guard my feelings with the utmost protection. So then it hurts even worse when I trust someone only to have them disappoint. This is frustrating to me. I do not understand it. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the ones I love. Sacrificing for their good is the most natural thing in the world. But why is this so rarely reciprocated. Why do I feel so very alone in a deep, dark ocean. Why am I so sad in my heart and sick in my soul. My mind knows the answer, the atonement can provide the healing and the happiness. But what do you do when you know what you are supposed to do, but you don't want to. Its not that I seek out sin. Its discouragement that plagues me. Taking care of others is easy, taking care of myself I feel is not worth the effort. 

Written at the front of my scriptures is a quote from Gordon B Hinckley. It was scrawled in several years ago."Let faith replace our fear." That is what I must do. But the irony is I am to afraid to do it.